OK, I’m now over the massive exhaustion and overwhelming sense of tiredness and fatigue.
Not completing Ironman – but writing the bloody volumes that made up the Zurich race report. Boy that was hard work!
So now it’s time to get back on the blog wagon and maybe lay down a bit of smack talk and spice things up a bit (as if they needed spiced up) ahead of the massive showdown this Sunday that will be The Belfast Titanic Triathlon.
I’m not usually one for winding people up or trying to create rivalry!! I’m a lover not a fighter but I feel compelled to maybe lay some smack-talk at the door of a few people. As much just to get myself pumped up for the race as much as trying to create a bit of craic.
With over 20 of us from the Club doing the Olympic race on Sunday it makes for a perfect opportunity to show the Club in its’ best light but also to enforce the natural pecking order.
So here we go with a few ‘call-outs.’
First up, Ian ‘Big Ring – never beaten and never will beat Jeff’ Pollard. Bring the A-Game big fella you’re gonna’ need it. You’re going to need liquidized Skittles in that Drinks bottle because you’ll be doing more Bonking than a Kiss and Tell Footballer’s Girlfriend when I’m finished with you! BOOM Yeh!
Brendan ‘Sink like a’ Stone – What’s the link between a Sack of Spuds, Danny Welbeck, Da Bomb and Brendan? They all get dropped. Get the Lasso ready mate and hand on for grim death. It’s going to be a fast ride.
Hilary ‘Keep The’ Faith – You better make like Madonna and “Just Like a Prayer” hope you don’t get blown away by the ‘Curricane’ and I blow by!
Mark ‘Squared’ Gillespie(s) – Both of you! It’s going to take two of you to bring me down and maybe that’s not enough – are you so good they named you twice? We’ll see!
Liam ‘Mrs’ Doyle – Ya Will, Ya Will, Ya Will. No you won’t, you won’t, you won’t!
Patrick ‘Tiny Dancer’ Chapman – better bring your running pumps mate – because I’m going to Lindy-Hop all over your Ass.
Stuart ‘Sciatic-Attack’ Menary – I almost feel bad picking on a man with a bad back but I will anyway. Strap yourself in to your strongest girdle and secure that back because what you’re going to witness is Spine-tingling.
Gavin ‘Just the one Ironman finish eh…?’ McKevitt – let’s see if those Mercurial winged feet of yours will keep you ahead of me as I hunt you down like Snow Leopard chasing a Lemming. Don’t go throwing yourself off the Lagan Bridge in despair now!
Mark ’Jager-Bomber – Headstander- Nutter – Mutter’ – You drank all my Raspberry liqueur! And that just makes me MAD! That is ALL!
Chris ‘Ben’ McNEVISon (Sorry that’s a crap pun) – but you’re going to have a Mountain to climb if you want to beat me. OK more of a small mound than a mountain but still a rocky path to the Summit. Bring your crampons because you’re going to have to dig in!
Stevie ‘The Man with the Tan’ Bloomer – You better bring some Factor 100 Coconut Oil mate – things are going to get hot and I don’t want your porcelain skin to get a roasting it just can’t handle! KAPOW!
Desy ‘Tiny Tears’ McIlkenny – All I can say is keep those tissues handy. Things are going to be emotional for you!
Michael ‘The Eco (Village) Warrior’ – Podiums are for Pussies! The real action is at the back of the pack where we spend twice as long as you out on the course – let’s see you man up and slow down on Sunday – see how you cope being out on the course for more than 2 Hrs. – where real men sweat. Anyone can exercise for just two hours – can you hold it for 3? Eh, eh?
Andy ‘Head on the Clouds’ Kennedy – will be cruising at 20,000ft but needs to watch out for the yellow Exocet Missile hunting him down. Watch the skies Fly Boy!
Claire ‘Dog Whisperer’ McLernon – you’re going to need a team of Huskies to pull you along on Sunday. ‘Keep the Faith’ is after the title of Head Woman on the virtual cellblock H that is the Women’s section of Lisburn Tri Club. Just watch your back in the showers, that’s all I’m saying!
Michael ‘2nd Best Triathlete in my house ‘ McLernon – is desperately hoping that he won’t get Chicked. Not by his Missus but by Desy! “Strong in this one the Bromance is” (Said in a Yoda style voice over)
Aaron ‘Surprisingly Soft Hands – AKA The Massagist’ – Ok so you’re now an Ironman but you still like nothing more than slathering up with Cream and rubbing the legs of a hairy man! Well this is one set of hairy legs you ain’t gonna get near on Sunday and the only rubbing will be to wipe away a tiny tear as it tumbles down your cheek. Lather up Phoebe, things are gonna’ get slippy!
Paul ‘Not always’ Wright – You may be improving fast but is it enough at this stage of the season? Big questions being asked and I hope you have the answers. Time to confront your inner Paxman!
Paul ‘I’m not Sherlock’ Watson – Man enough to do a 70.3 in Norway and throw himself in to an Arctic Ice bath in the name of charity but can you handle the sewerage in the Lagan and still hold it together. I think not! I’m going to make you crumble like a crumbly thing on St. Crumbles Day. Save your tears for the finish line Big Lad!
Donald ‘The Peninsula Machine’ Smith – General all around hard-core nutcase who couldn’t join a decent Tri Club so had to go with the North Down Prawn Sandwich Brigade instead. You know you’re going down quicker than a Holywood Celebrity on a hacked Sex Tape! The Machine is creaking and may get taken to pieces for scrap after “The Explosion” nukes it!
One final mention for someone who is just too AWESOME to even bother racing. The man. The legend in his own lunchbox. The Entrepreneur. The inventor of the No Training – Training Plan. The one, The only. Stanley ‘The AWESOME Laird of Tullynacross’ Edgar. So frightened of what I was going to do to him at this race he had to send Edgar Junior to race in his stead.
That’s not going to work either Stan the Man! You can’t send a boy to do a Man’s job.
Although…. when that Boy swims like a fish, rides like a doped up East German and Runs like Mo Farah after a Quorn Burger, it could spell trouble. I think James ‘The Prodigy’ Edgar may be my only serious competition on Sunday – but only if he brings his A (for AWESOME) game.
OK, enough smack talk. If I have forgotten anyone, sorry, but you’re not even on my radar. You are a mere gnat on my windscreen!
I am of course only joking and firmly expect to have my Ass handed to me on Sunday and watch everyone fly past at various stages along the course.
It promises to be a great day of racing and it’s fantastic to see so many from Lisburn Tri Club out kicking Butt.
Race well everyone and let’s support the Hell out of each other on the way round. Lots of encouragement and High Fives along the way!
Let’s do it People.
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